Mood: Screaming would help, too bad it's 4am

Things aren't well right now. I've been spending most of my time at Justin's or in a mental institution because my family is gone at the hospitol/in the hospitol/ or at a bar. I've never felt so alone. It's horrible. This is possibly the most horrible pain I have ever had. And it's not even just a feeling. It makes me sick. I'm losing my hair because of it. The last time I was with Justin I fell asleep and nearly punched him in the head. He tried to wake me up, but when he did I got scared and freaked out. I screamed and cried...It was horrible. I hate this so much. "Horrible" is the theme, if you can't tell.

It all started at the end of May. Stress had been causing me to lose sleep and control of some neve wave patterns. My hair began to fall out and 2 close friends questioned me as to why I wasn't on the ball. I went to the doctor's to find out 1)I have TMJ 2)Something is seriously wrong with me. I continue to go to the doctor's and miss alot of school. Including 2 finals. Then the big stuff started happening. Grampa broke his hip and fell. his hip was broken in four places..terrible. He's 92, so this is a big deal. My Mom started going to the hospitol daily to visit and help him. While at the hospitol one day, the doctor noticed a lump on her neck. He advised she get it examined right away. The next day at lunch she was in a doctor's office getting a biopsy. A week later we found out she had cancer. The radiation and chemo set in almost instantly. She became lethargic and sickly rather quick. This took a large toll on me. Not only that, but when I tried to look for condolance from my friends.. all I got was an "ok" or "that's bad". Enter extreme bouts of loneliness. My Dad said it would be good if I went to a mental hospitol to get checked out. The doctors there quickly told me I had an oxygen defficency. Caused by stress. And I needed to take pills and breathe better. Although apparently if you're working your body too hard, breathing isn't enough to get air to your brain. Anyway. I left a message saying I would be gone and that I could still acess e-mail. 2 days before I left I checked my email.. and I only had one. It was from Andrew's girlfriend, Kelly. She's so nice and thoughtful. I will admit, I left it in a not so good place. But the owner of the journal didn't even see it. And someone who reads it constantly never sent an email. This makes me wonder if people don't care about me, or if they just didn't see it. Naturally being in the bad mood I'm in, I assume the latter. And I feel okay doing so...because I can't recall any attempts to get in contact with me within the past few months. Ever since the Lindsey incident. Even before that. I don't know. The human race in general makes me sad, and the fact that I continue to try to bond with more than 2 of them makes me sadder. Pawn feels left out too. But I guess we just got left behind in the overall internet fad and getting out of the phone loop. Andrew said he would call me about anime fest tomorrow.. But I don't know if I'll be able to go because of guitar.. I asked everyone to go to the carnival on saturday. How likely is that of happening? Not very. But I'll try. **sigh** I whine too much.

At any rate.. I'll just summarize the last bit by saying Amy is one sad panda. And she needs friends but can't obtain them very easily. Trust is rare.

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