Mood: Depressed

So my mind gets really crazy whenever I let it. And I don't know how to subdue it, let alone stop it. So I'll just rant it out in here.. Haven't had a good rant in awhile.

Sometimes I think I should be alone. Not like, the sense of alone. Literally, being alone. No boyfriend. Little things confuse me, like when he doesn't want me to kiss him because he's half asleep, or something like that. Or the fact that he thinks some girl is cute (in all capitols) who doesn't even live in the state, let alone time zone. **sigh** I hate not being good enough for someone.

Whether or not that last paragraph is true or not, I don't care. You're not in my head. I haven't slept yet, I've been up all night. I tend to get very, very depressed about everything when I'm tired. You may get the clue that I'm breaking up with my boyfriend from that last paragraph, but I'm not. I have no intentions at all whatso ever. I just feel.. I don't know.. Left out of my own relationship?? I assume one would get this feeling when clinically insane. I mean, come on. I'm not a 16 year old in college who is destined to have an amazing job. Nor have I had oral sex with a girl at age 13 who is extremely cute. I'm just what's in the area. A normal highschooler with nothing special aside from a horrible personality and no sense of self rightousness. I wish I were Jen.. Maybe then I'd be cute and not hate myself. I'd be smart too. And he'd spend time telling me how much money I'm going to make one day instead of droning on about some girl in Alabama to his depressed girlfriend.

Once again, I'm sure I'll wake up and not believe a word of this retarded entry. I just need to vent, and considering Justin is asleep and in love with an intelligent slut, the internet suits me fine.

I guess I should get help. But my parents don't care. They don't care about the nightmares, the violence.. The pain.. Only the money.. I'm having another problem, but one the internet cannot help me with. I don't think anyone can help me with it. And I really wish someone could, because I don't like myself like this. Going back to school soon.. I don't know if that will make anything better or worse..

I wish I could talk to my Mom and my Dad and Justin about why I'm feeling so terrible. But I know what it would do. It's all probably stupid anyway, and just a game my head is playing with me. Jeeze. I am one whiny loser. Ah well. Read at your own risk. I'm going to go sleep and hopefully not have a nightmare and hopefully not choke on the sheets again.. Probably wake up and be happy, until it's time to sleep again.

Pft.

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