Mood: Anxious

I had a few paragraphs earlier, but deleted them because they don't make sense. I'm going to stay off AIM for awhile. Computer in general aside from school. It just makes me mad and I feel stuck and want to do one of those things that gets me in alot of trouble. I need to work on that.

I don't know if it's progression or regression to take emotions out on one's self. Better than someone else. Alot worse than not doing anything. Not like I've cut myself recently. Not like I'd tell anyone anyway. People always give the reaction that makes me want to nail them.

I guess no matter how much I hate people or want to distance myself from them.. I will always have Justin to cheer me up..or beat me down lower. It's better than nothing.

Anyway. OTAKON. Was lots and lots of fun. I saw Chris and Niki. I am 100% going to hang out with Chris more. Wednesday, most likely. No Ben and Krista!! I couldn't find them. I didn't try either... I met some new people that I like. I liked all of my roomates, which is a plus and a half. I liked the sleeping arrangement, no matter how cold the first night. However, right now I regret the "In the moment" feeling I had. I'm sure things wouldn't be like this if that hadn't happened. I don't know whether I should cry at what I'm missing, or punch the wall in sheer frustration. Both. Umm, I got side tracked. I went to Hardrock and other Harbour type places. Companion of the weekend was Ryan, and very much so suited. At least no matter what happens, I still have this weekend. I wish I had a more "fuck you all" attitude. I'd probably be happier.

I can't focus on Otakon right now. Mom is feeling alot better. She was really sick Thursday and Friday... Her surgery is September 16. I hope she stays well enough to go to the beach.. Wow, so glad that this time I spend with my Mom I will end up using to stress over school and boys. I wish I had taken her into this much consideration the past sixteen years. I don't know what I'll do if the surgery goes bad. Dad said it's not a horribly high risk of death..but it's still there. Along with other types of damage.. I hate cancer. I hate it alot.

I haven't been happy in over a year. There is that one or two day happy thing with the underlying hurt. I'd like to work on being truly happy. That means avoiding my urges to do something stupid. Mmm, but I'm so good at it.

My brain fights itself so much. Tomorrow will be interesting.

Now fuck off ^_~ --- Uhm, edit. I like this song. Makes me feel better about hating everyone. God money i'll do anything for you. god money just tell me what you want me to. god money nail me up against the wall. god money don't want everything he wants it all. no you can't take it no you can't take it no you can't take that away from me no you can't take it no you can't take it no you can't take that away from me head like a hole. black as your soul. I'd rather die than give you control. head like a hole. black as your soul. I'd rather die than give you control. bow down before the one you serve. you're going to get what you deserve. bow down before the one you serve. you're going to get what you deserve. God money's not looking for the cure. god money's not concerned with the sick amongst the pure. god money let's go dancing on the backs of the bruised. god money's not one to choose

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