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2005-09-21, 10:27 p.m.

~~So little reaction..~~

Mood: Stressedddd

Today was a roller coaster. I held Mommy's hand while they gave her the IV. She squeezed really hard and cried. I almost passed out because my finger turned purple. Also because I can't see needles get put into my Mommy.

After that she made Dad and I leave while the Valium they gave her to nervedown set in. We went and ate, and came back and she was gone. Back into surgery. I threw up. I'm not good at eating. Then we went to the gift shop and bought her stuffed animals. Dad got her candy, but I think he is slightly retarded, because the doctor said no solid foods for a long fucking time. THEENN..

We waited for 7 hours. They said it would only be 2. She had more cancer nods than they thought. Nod = tumour but in a..something or other medical talk. They have to run all kinds of test on it to make sure she doesn't have cancer anywhere else. Dad said Thyroid cancer can lead to Ovarian cancer and Lung cancer. But he buys candy for people who have their throats slit, so I'll ignore that until I can read up. In the end, she will have one of two outcomes. 1) Chemo. 2)More surgeries. I think two also comes with one.

Anyway, when we finally got to see Mom, she was crying for her Dad... He died exactly a year ago. We had to tell her, and it made me really sad. She cried alot. She had ice packs and blue shit all over her neck and face. I didn't see the wound, but the doctor said it was a V shape from ear to ear. I put my hand on her head and cried for a long time until we had to go. She had a headache and said my hand felt good.

Then we left and I came back to the farm. Justin refuses to talk to me about this, and it sucks because he's the only person I feel like I'm able to talk to. I really blame that on myself for not making friends or being open to my current friends. Although, I've never really had that much trust in Krista and Andrew due to.. Well. Lindsey. I guess I deleted alot of that.

And now I sit in my puffy black chair and bounce between crying and laughing. I took a magazine from the Hospital with lots of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory pictures. I'm going to hang them on the wall around my desk and then wish I could find a golden ticket. Or a stick that made everyone I don't like go away.

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