Mood: Anxious

No matter how old I get, I believe my inability to focus on things of difficult will remain the same. I get frustrated and can't think. Maybe I'm just stupid. I know how to do my job and function in normal everyday life. That's really all I need.

I was talking to Shake earlier. It's been awhile since I talked to him. Last time we really talked was right before I dropped out, and I couldn't figure any other way to get a highschool education. He yelled at me. But I really respect him. He was the only person who told me it was a cop-out in a creative way. Instead of the standard "You won't have a good job and fail at life" he said "You went from a young girl with dreams of college and a good career to a drop out in 12 days. If you're so against the system, prove them wrong and graduate." Given, I didn't graduate, but still. I made something of my life. It's unconventional and difficult, but when I'm retired with grandkids and a bad hip, I'll be more satisfied, I think.

I just worked on Dustin's homework for 2 hours. I could do college. I just don't want to. I'd rather do my college-boyfriend's. It makes me feel better, but with no debt!!

I IM'd Andrew, too. I'm reminded of his friendship almost daily. JennY from work said, "And I bought her lick-a" and it reminded me of his old screenname and the sweet random conversations we'd have. Not to mention those horribly obscene stories we'd make up about turtles and recliners.

I have a purple car. And I have Kody back. We had a really fantastic talk last week. He's been feeling depressed, and we share mutual fears. He just so happens to be older, amplifying them. We followed up our talk the next night with garage drinking and Red Lion wandering. I'm glad he's my best friend. I'm glad I didn't lose anything with him. ...I think I lost Drew...

The more time I spend with Dustin, the more I realize that I'm just going to let him down. He's got a future. I don't. I have York and working in malls. That's fine by me, but he should probably be with someone a little bit more ambitious. He's perfect. I'm gutter trash..oioioi. ((that was uneccessary.))

...Not to mention I can't even stop having anxiety attacks. This time of year does that to me...

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