Mood: Restless

I am unable to fall back to sleep, presently. Some regular jack-off was setting off fireworks outside. It reminds me far too much of gun shots. I do not sleep when I think there are many loaded guns outside, wielded by angry gang members that hate little punk-rock girls...

I believe I need to find myself again. I need to talk to Dustin tomorrow and like.. say that after this weekend, I want a month off. I want to be alone until after Bonnaroo. He keeps doing things that hurt me, but he isn't aware of it. I need to distance myself from that. None of it is really that bad, on his part. I just don't know how to read people. However, he does want to re-do his life drawings for his portfolio. (That means drawing the human form neekid.) I was fine with that, until he said he wanted to draw Lexzy instead of myself... I really don't understand why my body isn't good enough. He said he was going to do 3. One of Dakota, one of my back, and a frontal of Lexzy. But..she had a boyfriend for a little while that would not allow her to do the nude picture. So Dustin pretty much dropped it, which was nice. Then, about twelve seconds after he found out she was single, he asked her if he could take the naked picture of her so he could draw it. Which means, he's going to be alone in a room with her naked. Taking numerous photos of her, naked. She's fucking cheat fest. It makes me upset. Also, it's not me. I don't understand why it can't be me... I mean, aside from the fact that my boobs are small, and I'm not a tiny petite girl like she is, with long hair and what not. He doesn't even care about the other 2 poses.. Just really wants that one of Lexzy. Another reason why this pisses me off? He did his previous life drawings of Bridget (ex-girlfriend), because he was an animation major. He is now digital arts... What does life drawing have to do with digital arts? Nothing. And this is what I cannot be around anymore.

But if we take a break, he would probably be inclined to mess around with other people. He's a stud, so it's essentially expected. And I couldn't really ever date him again if he was with anyone but myself... I'm so traditional it makes me want to purge...

I just really want to be alone. And it would be easier if I didn't feel homeless. A car would help, as well. Mine is still in repair. Luckily, the repaired head-gasket came back today. The Cavalier just needs to be reassembled. Then I can take as many road trips to the beach for sunrises as I want...

My next issue. I need a new job. I don't make enough money. Gas is expensive, and I'm not going to be able to afford to drive to Harrisburg. I don't want to demand a promotion, but they kind of owe me one. The position is empty, and I did great on my review. I only got a DNM on sales driving because neither Hanover nor Capcity made yearly plan, which is BS. I am a fantastic sales driver. And just because everyone else sucked, doesn't mean I do. But, I could use this month off to investigate school.. I really want to join the union.

I don't even know. I just don't want to be a fuck-up like Cecelia. And I don't want to hate Dustin. But I'm quickly progressing on doing both of those things....

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