Mood: Tired

As in most emotional situations, I am trying to over work myself, and fill the void with stress. Stress is better than grief.

The funeral took a week of my time. All day Tuesday was planning the wake and ceremony. Wednesday was getting the pictures together, calling family, comforting my mother, and a short shift at work. Thursday was finding a dress, picking out her jewelry, calling the extended friends.
And, in true Amelia-fashion, when it came time for the funeral, I became an utter mess. However, it was manageable. I think because the whole time I had to sit and listen to people talk, next to her lifeless body...set out for family and strangers alike to gain 'closure'...I had the rush of the wake to look forward to. Talking to everyone. Making sure all of the tables were in the right places. Making sure I didn't drink too much at the bar while I waited for everyone else to finish eating. Making sure the bill was paid in full, with tip. Busy, busy, busy.

And, here I am now. It's been 17 days, and I haven't stopped yet. I've been sleep deprived. I can't remember the last full meal I ate. Running on allergy medicine and fear. Fear of what will happen when I finally do have a day away from everything. I'll avoid it as long as I can, of course. I am being forced to take the weekend off. No more picking up extra hours in other stores. No more covering for Dan because he is sick. No more staying late to clean corners that no one has seen in decades. But Jess will be here this weekend, and we have a full schedule.

There will be no time to grieve. No time to be upset. No time to miss what is no longer here.

My Grandmother is out of pain. One day, I will accept this and lose my selfish sorrow of her passing.

I can see my behavior taking a toll on Eric. Ralph has started to question my weight-loss. My mother is, possibly, more insane than she was before. This time, Cecelia has taken the role of the emotional rock.

...death is a silly, silly thing for the living.

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