Mood: Broken in

I really haven't updated in so fucking long. I don't know what exactly has purged me to do so now.. Anxiety, excitement.. Fear of losing this moment..Something. Some undenounced force. I'll leave it at that, I suppose.

It's really starting to set in. I miss Justin. I shouldn't. I'm so happy away from him and on my own. But the time we spent together, was for the most part, great. Things hit rocks.. but they do in all of my human relationships at times. This is like a drug withdrawl. I know it was bad, and hurt me so much. But I want it back anyway. I've gotta fucking be strong. I can't go back to him. I need to put the bad times over the good in my mind.

Today after school Dick and myself went to the mall. We talked about everything.. Everything. I'm glad I met him, we have alot in common. It's rare to spend 6 hours with someone just walking and talking.

I can tell I'm changing alot. Whether it be age or location, I have no idea. But the fact that the kids I met at Red Lion are all into.. smoking, driking, ect.. Worries me. I don't want to live in a shell, or be a wet blanket..not those words, exactly but along those lines. I want to live things, so I know. I do not want a problem from those things. I just feel like there are so many outside pressures telling me not to. Odd, because usually it's those pressures telling you TO comitte those acts. But.. I want to. Almost everyone I know outside of Red Lion drinks/has been drunk. Except Tyler. I want to live my life myself.. and not lose friends because of it. The past has taught me that no matter how much a friend says your actions are your life, they're probably lying. Heh.

But I don't care anymore. I'll be 18 soon. I'll be on my own very soon. I can get drunk if I want to. I still can't believe that stupid freshman lying about me. People make me sick. You don't tote people's lives at the drop of a hat.

Erg. Anyway, I guess I should update my life for memory sake. Justin and I are over, not even friends. I live back with my parents for 3 weeks as of right now. I actually made friends at school, which, compared to last year is fucking amazing. Konrad, Dillon, and Dick being the closest. I've gotten really close with these kids, really quickly. I see Anj and Kel alot more than I did this time last year. I feel like I let them down by moving.. They loved the farm so much. I'm extremely sensitive about my new living situation. Small, cramped, and not fun. I've finally found hope in school, through York County High. I hope to start college in Januaray 07. I have a tenitive application, however. I'm going to college Saturday to talk about things, and to see my apartment. There is much work to be done on it. I enjoy camping and singing irish drinking songs around the fire. I'm in a band now. National Krisis.. We practice twice a week for 4 hours +. I play guitar and do backup vocals. We have a show May 20th. I'm not prepared, yet. I got my nose pierced last week in some guy's living room. It was amazingly clean for a living room needle. I like support. I've been working out, and it's noticable now. I dropped one pant size in two months. I'm healthy now. I eat healthy. I still drink alot of coke. I applied for a job at Spencer's today. Jess and Krisi put in the good word for me, so I hope I atleast get an interview. Alot of good shows coming up. I hope I get to dance alot. I want someone to hold me so I can go to bed.

I guess I'm done.

Embrace a dream that was a nightmare only yesterday..

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